Why You’re Having Less Sex with Your Partner — and How to Get Back Into It


You might be thinking, “What’s considered a sexless marriage? Am I or someone I know in one?” And there is a standard definition. But whether it applies to your scenario can vary.

If we look at the strictest of definitions, a Sexless Marriage (according to “The Social Organization of Sexuality”) is when couples aren’t engaging in sexual activity or are having minimal sexual encounters.

“I think a sexless partnership is better defined as a conscious or unconscious avoidance of pleasure-based physical contact between partners,” Dr. Becker-Warner says.

So, if you’re just having less sex than you think you “should be” and are fine with it, there’s nothing to be worried about.

But if the frequency of sex is a concern in your relationship or partnership, don’t panic. There are solutions.

What’s essential for you and your partner, besides figuring out whether you meet a specific frequency, is to define what sex means to each other. Stop relying on internet stories or other couples’ experiences to dictate what’s “normal.”

No one, except for the individuals in the relationship, should decide if being in a sexless partnership is concerning. Everyone is different. If you and your partner are content with having sex every quarter or once a year, then that’s fine.

Sometimes an escalation in fantasies or actions can be a result of feeling less intimate with your partner. For example, if you’re starting to feel resentful and fantasizing about having sex with your co-worker, it might be because you haven’t connected physically with your partner for a while.
If these outline your situation, then you may want to look back at when and why it started. It’s important for partners to define what sex means to them before addressing their perspective or the problem. This is critical to ensure both you and your partner are on the same page when discussing sensitive and personal issues.

This phenomenon may have been at the start of your relationship, or may have begun after a significant life event. It could be a result of hormonal changes. Maybe it developed after losing interest after enjoying sex with your partner. Or perhaps you and your partner have fallen out of sync, desiring sexual activity at different times, and thus avoiding it altogether.